Mike Elko Arrested for Always Betting on the Aggies

Early Friday morning, FBI Director Kash Patel unveiled charges accusing Texas A&M Head Football Coach Mike Elko of illegally betting on the Aggies to win football games. The Aggies drew attention from the Bureau after winning seven straight games to start the season for the first time since 1994. 

“You just don’t see this sort of thing from a program like Texas A&M,” said Director Patel. “It was very clear to us that something fishy was going on.”

As the window for Texas A&M to finish 8-4 rapidly began to close as the season eclipsed the halfway point, pressure began to mount. 

“The dominant shift in defensive line play and Marcel Reed’s miraculous ability to throw and run the football is all the evidence we need to bring charges,” said Special Agent Terrence Sip. “The only reason that Texas A&M could be trying to get better and win games is if Coach Elko has money on the line.” 

The 12th Man Foundation quickly posted bail, and for now, Coach Elko has been cleared to resume his official duties as the Aggies travel to Baton Rouge this week. Coach Elko commented on the indictment at his pre-departure press conference.

“I was worried I might get in trouble for all those folding chairs I smashed,” said a smirking Coach Elko. “But if I were a betting man this week, I’d take the over on the Ags—we’re winning by 90.”

— Dumbledorms