Former Frat Bro Runs Home to Kappa

After dropping Pi Kappa Phi due to what he described as “an overwhelming sense of toxic masculinity,” sophomore Maximus Bergbreiter has chosen to join Kappa Kappa Gamma – an all-female sorority.

The men of Pi Kappa Phi claim they sorely miss Bergbreiter’s presence. His 17 roommates, including President Jeremiah Addicus, have reportedly sent numerous letters begging him to return home.

“Max wanted a brotherhood, but what he didn’t realize is that what he left behind is true manhood,” said Addicus. “Real men don’t need vegetables; we’re strong enough to overcome the constant constipation and emotional repression that comes with the life of a frat house boy.”

Despite the alleged “brotherhood,” several brothers have since admitted they haven’t had a real conversation that wasn’t about lifting or how they can better haze the pledges in over a year.

“$5,000 per semester and no toilet seat was the real deal-breaker for me,” said Bergbreiter. “Have you ever accidentally walked into the girls’ bathroom at a restaurant? Heavenly.”

Bergbreiter reports that his hardest task thus far in Kappa Kappa Gamma has been tying tiny knots to make blankets for their philanthropy, Books and a Blanket.

“Back in Pikapp, part of my duties to support our philanthropy was running a marathon, and I have an embarrassing case of asthma,” said Bergbreiter. “Here, I feel like my philanthropy is truly reaching people – plus no one yells at me to ‘be a man’ if I mess up a bow.

Bergbreiter’s move has inspired many other pledges to follow in his footsteps. All across Greek life, frat boys are exchanging “frat flicking” for pilates, protein shakes for matcha lattes, and locker room talk for girl dinner.

 

—Boot In My Mouth & Mosher Sickness