Guy at Songfest Practice Claims He “Just Can’t”
Last Thursday, junior Brad Kaine, member of Aggie Business Brothers, revealed at his second Songfest practice that he “just can’t.” After having three girls from their partner sorority, Gamma Phi Beta, throw it back on him, Kaine reportedly froze mid-dance and stormed off in frustration.
“I’ve always been high-achieving,” said Kaine. “But at these grueling practices, I just can’t shake it like the other guys can! I have never danced or moved my hips in my life, but I just don’t understand why I can’t get it! Dance isn’t even a sport!”
Senior Chad Blayne, bystander business brother, commented on the incident.
“Watching Kaine dance is like watching a Jake Paul Youtube video: it’s really disturbing but somehow you can’t look away,” said Blayne. “We would cut him from the routines, but he’s literally required to shake ass in order to remain in good standing with the brotherhood. ”
Despite the humiliation, Kaine continues to attend practice. Sources report he can often be found afterward sitting in his car, crying in silence while “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten plays on loop.
Kaine’s partner in the partner routine dance, senior Eleanor Gibson, has shared her thoughts with us on the situation.
“I have been doing Songfest for the last four years, and I have never encountered such an uncoordinated being as Brad,” said Gibson. “If he thinks the practices are hard, wait until he finds out he has to do this entire routine in an ugly matching sweat set under 100 kilowatt lights.”
As anticipation builds for Songfest, students eagerly await to see how Kaine (and many men like him) will fare.
– Lavender Hazed
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.