Pledge In ICU Swears He Was Not Hazed

After being rushed to the Intensive Care Unit last Friday, Kappa Gamma Iota pledge Kyle Davidson swears he was not hazed. Davidson was admitted to the hospital with three fractured ribs, a blood alcohol content of 1.1%, and KGI branded onto his skin.

“It’s just tradition,” said Davidson while wheezing through his oxygen mask. “No one made me do anything I didn’t want to do. I tied the handles of vodka to both my hands and drove myself to the woods out of my own volition.”

Hospital staff alerted campus administration of potential hazing activity after Davidson was wheeled in wearing nothing but cowboy boots and body paint. Fraternity president Chadwick Jameson III, however, attests that Davidson’s actions were not connected to KGI.

“Pledge Davidson just had a wild night,” said Jameson. “Any rumors about hazing are just trying to destroy a sacred brotherhood built on our core values. Haven’t you seen our Instagram page?”

When asked if he would continue his pledgeship after being discharged, Davidson glanced at the two fraternity members flanking his bedside.

“I can’t wait for Big/Little Reveal!” said Davidson with a small tear forming in his left eye. “Our brotherhood chair told me I’d get my first pref if I keep my mouth shut.”

Davidson was discharged last night into the care of his fraternity brothers after promising to complete two weeks of bed rest. Witnesses later confirmed that Davidson was then carried into the woods on a stretcher by his brothers.
— Hello Dammit