From: Math Casualty To: Reveille
Dear Reveille,
Math 140 is sucking the life out of me. I think about failing the exam, but I can’t bring myself to care. My friends are panicking over their GPAs, but math is not a part of my personal journey. The only journey I want to go on is back to my bed. Every time I try to study, I get distracted by needing to fold all my laundry, watching study hacks on Tiktok, or going to a profit share for my FLO. I’m a communications major, so there’s no real reason for me to even know math. What am I supposed to be calculating? The probability of how many instagram captions I have to write every week? Please, Reveille. Should I drop out and become a professional influencer, or do I just keep paying for Chegg and praying it’ll stick?
— Math Casualty
Dear Math Casualty,
My advice to you is to let studying fall to the wayside and let the quest of finding true love take over. There is no greater motivator than love, and if you want to be successful in Math 140, you’ll need to find a crush you desperately want to impress. Start dressing like you’re in a Hallmark movie: sweaters, corduroy, and blue light glasses that scream ‘I’m a smart cookie.’
If that doesn’t work, stare at your professor like he stole your Labubu and some of the lecture just might click. Before you know it, you’ll be going to office hours to bond over quadratic equations, parabolas, and letting the useless calculations absorb into your head through osmosis.
– Reveille
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.