SOFC to Require Blood Sacrifice for Fund Withdrawals

This week, the Texas A&M Student Organization Finance Center announced that student organizations will now be required to provide a blood sacrifice in order to withdraw funds from their account.

The new policy, which begins effective immediately, stipulates that treasurers must provide one drop of blood for every $25 requested. The blood must be drawn under SOFC supervision, signed off by two staff members and the organization advisor with a form submitted via Adobe Sign in triplicate.

“I already had to get our check requests signed and notarized three times for every transaction last semester,” said Alice Moss, treasurer of Opportunities for Undergraduate Careers in Healthcare . “Now I have to prick my finger just to buy pizza for our next meeting?”

SOFC leadership insists the policy will improve accuracy. “We’ve had too many cases of mismatched signatures,” said Billy McGuire, business manager at SOFC. “DNA is just more reliable.”

Still, organizations are skeptical. “I submitted a reimbursement request in January and still haven’t seen the money,” said Moss. “If they take my blood too, I’m not sure I’ll survive until those funds hit my account.”

Despite pushback, SOFC remains committed to the program. Flyers posted around campus reassure students that “all knives will be single-use and provided by the SOFC” and that “no blood will be mixed or stored without prior approval from Student Activities.”

Rumors suggest the SOFC is also considering a firstborn-child deposit for transactions exceeding $500, though university officials declined to comment.

Organizations have been advised to keep Band-Aids, ice, and painkillers on hand when visiting the SOFC. Deposits will continue to be accepted on the backs of napkins.

— 8:30 PM Yell