Dear Reveille, Whiny Little Man

Dear Reveille,

My girlfriend of 7 years used to be so skinny – she was on the dance team in high school AND at TAMU. Ever since she’s dropped dance tho its been getting a bit crazy. She’s stopped dieting, stopped working out every day, and honestly, she’s gained like a lot of weight. I think she’s broken 110 lbs now, which is crazy for her, she’s always been 95 her whole life, and in case you think she’s like short or something, she’s like 5’7, so it’s NOT the height. Do you have any ideas as to how I can get her to see sense and get back down to 95? I don’t think I can go on like this.

– Whiny Little Man

---

Dear Whiny Little Man,

My recent loss of my right eye has awarded me the gift of a third eye, which can read clearly between the lines at the real cause of your troubles. I mourn with you, Whiny Little Man, of the premature baldness you are so clearly undergoing. It is unbelievably unfortunate the havoc that early onset hair loss can have on the fragile ego of a 22-year-old boy. You are clearly in the early stages of coping with your ever-receding hairline, and I must be forthright with you: try as you may, your girlfriend’s weight loss will not bring your hair back, and that is a cold, hard pill you must swallow. My beautiful, luscious mane has never once thinned — even by a single hair — and so I cannot relate to you. However, my advice is that you should look in the mirror, take off that silly little snapback, and feast your eyes on that egghead of yours. Be humbled, be grateful, and Gig ‘em.

– Reveille