Starbucks Fall Menu Release Leaves Texas A&M Panhellenic Women Stained Orange
Less than 24 hours after the return of the Starbucks fall menu to campus stores, the sorority girls of Texas A&M have obtained a rare malady: an unnatural orange hue covering their bodies. Once believed to be an ailment only found in babies who have eaten too many carrots, the orange affliction can now be found in 18-22 year old girls who have had a few too many pumpkin chai lattes.
It has not yet been confirmed by medical professionals, however it is believed that the dyes used in Starbucks’ pumpkin flavor are causing the skin of their most loyal customers to appear a stained orange hue.
While not yet a widespread concern, sororities at universities across the country are seeing similar symptoms start to unfurl rapidly. Amy Ballard, spokesperson for Starbucks, has made a statement on this medical calamity.
“Starbucks pumpkin products only contain dyes and chemicals that have been thoroughly tested, FDA approved, and are safe for consumption. We will not be held liable for these rare cases which could simply be side effects of overactive spray-tan usage. In other news, and of no relation to these cases, we ask that you not consume more than one of our pumpkin products per day.”
— Lavender Hazed
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.