Aggie Park Fish Protest Pond Hopping
Last Sunday, Aggie Park fish held an overnight protest against pond hopping. Following the constant flailing legs in their territory, the fish took to land to express their disdain for the longstanding tradition.
“We have tolerated this wretched tradition for long enough,” said Bass Representative Finn Gilbert. “Every year, the odor of unwashed freshmen invades our home. Enough is enough.”
Dozens of fish have flopped onto the mainland, holding signs in protest reading “We are the real fish” and “Pond, not pool.” Although the protest remains peaceful, a smaller sect of fish are considering more drastic measures.
“Three mismatched socks have blocked the door to our home,” said Carp Bubbles Johnson. “If these freshmen don’t stop, we will make sure they sleep with the fishes.”
As tensions continue to rise, campus administrators refuse to get involved.
“We don’t listen to our students, why on earth would we listen to fish?” said Vice President of Student Affairs Bob Kilner.
It is rumored that this protest will spark an uprising amongst all campus critters, notably the squirrels and ducks.
— Hello Dammit
An expert in Southern hospitality with a rage problem, Hello Dammit greets all with a smile… and a passive-aggressive comment about your parking job. They’ve held 14 student leadership positions, go to trivia every single night of the week, and have weaponized Canva and group chats alike. If you’ve ever been voluntold to work an event you don’t remember signing up for, it was them. Hello Dammit has big former-Yell-Leader energy and will quote the Aggie Honor Code during casual conversation. They’re not mad… just disappointed. Actually, scratch that. They’re mad and disappointed.