Student Senate Unveils New “Smash Or Pass” Confirmation Method
In a bold move to inject excitement into the soul-crushing procedures of a student government meeting, the Texas A&M Student Senate officially debuted its new “smash or pass” confirmation system. The idea — both genius and effective — brings much-needed impartiality to the proceedings, allowing confirmation decisions based on gut feelings, personal grudges, and smashability.
“Candidates up for confirmation to the Judicial Court will now stand before the assembly, strike a pose, and await further scrutiny,” Speaker Bailey Augburn said. “It’s really no different than a pageant or audition…they’re honestly lucky we aren’t adding a swimsuit contest.”
Reactions on campus have been very mixed, with some students highly concerned about the skills required of a Justice.
“We just feel like traditional metrics — experiences, merit, and originality — aren’t the vibe anymore,” Off-Campus Senator Sarah Beth Mahoney said while playing Minecraft on her computer. “Who cares about a Justice being qualified? It’s about energy. If I don’t want to play pickleball with them and then stare longingly at the stars after, I will simply not confirm them.”
Sources report one nominee, justice candidate Walter Hiddleston, was rejected for having a judicial philosophy. “What do you mean you want to think for yourself?” Mahoney said, while googling what judicial philosophy meant. “I won’t vote smash unless you’re submissive.”
The new smash or pass system proved to be a success, appointing only those with menial experience, bare-minimum knowledge of law, or the rare and undeniable quality of smashability.
— Panty Hopping & Hello Dammit
For Panty Hopping, nothing feels more liberating than a comforting swim in the waters of Rudder Fountain. Her articles are all written after her refreshing wades in the waters of the many ponds on campus, and the mysterious liquid masquerading as water within these ponds renders her unable to recall writing her articles. She asserts she is not liable for anything written within them, and that the blood, sweat and tears of Aggies long gone that she has absorbed through her swims in the mystical ponds are the lifeblood of her writing. Sure, Panty Hopping might be seen applying to every organization on campus or in the Instagram comments of that girl in your Math 140 class three semesters ago. Still, her true passion lies in swimming in the glorious ponds on campus.