Student Senate Unveils New “Smash Or Pass” Confirmation Method

In a bold move to inject excitement into the soul-crushing procedures of a student government meeting, the Texas A&M Student Senate officially debuted its new “smash or pass” confirmation system. The idea — both genius and effective — brings much-needed impartiality to the proceedings, allowing confirmation decisions based on gut feelings, personal grudges, and smashability.

“Candidates up for confirmation to the Judicial Court will now stand before the assembly, strike a pose, and await further scrutiny,” Speaker Bailey Augburn said. “It’s really no different than a pageant or audition…they’re honestly lucky we aren’t adding a swimsuit contest.”

Reactions on campus have been very mixed, with some students highly concerned about the skills required of a Justice.

“We just feel like traditional metrics — experiences, merit, and originality — aren’t the vibe anymore,” Off-Campus Senator Sarah Beth Mahoney said while playing Minecraft on her computer. “Who cares about a Justice being qualified? It’s about energy. If I don’t want to play pickleball with them and then stare longingly at the stars after, I will simply not confirm them.”

Sources report one nominee, justice candidate Walter Hiddleston, was rejected for having a judicial philosophy. “What do you mean you want to think for yourself?” Mahoney said, while googling what judicial philosophy meant. “I won’t vote smash unless you’re submissive.”
The new smash or pass system proved to be a success, appointing only those with menial experience, bare-minimum knowledge of law, or the rare and undeniable quality of smashability.

— Panty Hopping & Hello Dammit