Surprise! Your Deadbeat Dad Was Added To Your Ring Dunk Groupme
This week, you finally earned your coveted Aggie gold, meaning Saturday night is reserved for the time-honored tradition of the ring dunk.
You and your roommates are all dunking together, so a GroupMe was obviously in order. You all worked tirelessly to add each of your closest friends and family to the group, which totalled to a meager 500 people invited. You hoped those in attendance wouldn’t judge your celebration for being too intimate and exclusive.
A few days before the event, you decide to take a casual scroll through the profile pictures of the GroupMe members, maybe in the hopes of catching a glimpse at a cute guy, when all of a sudden the picture of a middle-aged man with a scraggly beard and a receding hairline appears before your eyes.
Your roommate, Tessa Shotkin, reported screams that lasted “an annoying amount of time.”
“She just kept yelling ‘Who the frick knows my dad? I haven’t seen him since my second grade daddy daughter dance when he stepped on my ankle and never came home,’” Shotkin said.
Eventually, your roommates calmed you down enough to have a civilized discussion. That is, until one of them, Claire Ribnit, identified herself as the one who added him to the group.
“Oh, Bill?” Ribnit said. “Wait, guys, I met him at Shiner last night and he was really sweet. Can he please still come? For me?”
More shouting reportedly followed. The dunk is still scheduled for 8:26 p.m. on Saturday, giving you just enough time to text people to park three blocks away and pray your dad “really needs a pack of cigarettes” again.
— Hullabapoo
After an unfortunate accident during Howdy Week involving Hullabaloo Hall, two pounds of froyo, and a DG hangout gone wrong, Hullabapoo was born. A creature equal parts Aggie spirit and gastrointestinal uncertainty, they once wrote a think piece comparing Silver Taps to a silent disco. They are no longer allowed to submit op-eds without an emotional support editor. Their columns are confusing, philosophical, and often end with the phrase “So who’s the real Reveille, anyway?” A legend. A liability. A laxative of logic.