CDC Declares March Madness an Epidemic

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention, or CDC, has officially declared March Madness a national epidemic. Following an alarming surge of college-aged men exhibiting symptoms of delusions and unprovoked shouting at inanimate objects, public health officials were forced to label the outbreak as a national crisis.

“We’ve been tracking the phenomenon for years,” CDC epidemiologist Dr. Trudy Hawley said. “It spreads rampant through college campuses, with symptoms peaking around the Sweet 16. The disease only becomes more contagious from there.”

Symptoms include an inability to hold coherent conversations, a sudden obsession with a team that you have no connection to, and frequent outbursts of profanities and violence. 

“The symptoms seem to exacerbate among a particular group,” Hawley said. “College-aged men whose girlfriends have built a better bracket than them show little to no potential for recovery.”

If you or your loved one is experiencing symptoms of March Madness, the CDC encourages immediate intervention. 

“Do not by any means say ‘it’s just a game,’” Hawley said. “There is no cure for this epidemic, but remember, this will pass — usually by April.”

— Hello Dammit