Letter to the Editor: Am I Racist Against Redheads?

Dear Mugdown,

With St. Patrick’s day come and gone, I’ve really been showing special appreciation to my redheaded friends through small affectionate comments or quippy one-liners here and there. Normally, my ginger friends receive my delightfully witty chirps with a chuckle or two, but recently, their reactions have been less than friendly …

Just yesterday, me and one of my dear carrot-toppers got our grades back from our first finance exam. Seeing that he had failed, I jokingly said, “Woah there Ed Sheeran, you gotta get those grades up to make the big bucks! We all know no one is marrying you for your looks.” I laughed to myself after my remark, but he just stormed away.

Even more peculiar than this — as I reminisce over my favorite Irish holiday, I’ve found myself growing more and more aggressive. When I walk around campus and see a flash of red locks, I can’t help but run up to the person and ask if Ireland ran out of potatoes again because why else would they be here with that horrible, unnatural hue atop their head.

What started as small, lighthearted jokes to my friends has grown into something that I can’t quite decipher. Am I just a passionate, good Ag that hates seeing the color of that other school in Texas growing from people’s heads, or am I actually a raging gingerist?

— Hullabapoo