Ten Reasons Why You Should Banner For A SBP Candidate
It’s officially election season — the most magical time of the school year.
Let’s be honest. You’re not running, you’re not voting and you have no idea what a student body government is. Don’t let that stop you from getting involved! Why not dedicate hours of your busy college schedule to standing in Rudder Plaza holding a banner for someone you’ve never even met?
Still not convinced? Here are 10 surefire reasons why you should banner for a student body president candidate this season:
- You think the candidate is hot. Tall white men with receding hairlines and ill-fitting suits are undeniably attractive. Hold the banner pole today, and hold his banner pole tonight!
- You have no friends. The empty void of loneliness inside you can only be filled with one thing — awkward small talk with your fellow banner-ee.
- You truly have nothing better to do. Why go to the gym, study for the three classes you’re failing or do anything remotely productive when you have the opportunity to hold a pole?
- You have a praise kink. Sometimes a good old-fashioned thumbs up from a powerful authority figure is the only thing that can get you going. Bye-bye daddy issues!
- You base your self-worth on how many GroupMe groups you’re in. It’s not about what you can do for the candidate, but what the candidate can do for you. Every notification from your 2000 person GroupMe brings you one step closer to self-love.
- You like bribes. The choice is yours: a slice of pizza, a free t-shirt or a cabinet position. If you’re really lucky, maybe they’ll use the dark money from their campaign funding to pay off your student debt!
- You’re a struggling artist who just wants to get their art out there. It may be campaign propaganda, but it’s eye-catching, visually appealing campaign propaganda. Perfect for your brand.
- You need rejection therapy. Nothing is more healing than holding a colorful bed sheet while 90% of the student body avoids eye contact with you.
- You need a reason to run into your ex. We promise — if you start with a campaign slogan and finish on your hands and knees begging her to come back, she will love you again.
- You’re actually a secret agent for the other side. The easiest way to get a candidate disqualified is doing illegal things while holding their banner. Just saying.
— Hullabapoo & Hello Dammit
