Animal Control Called on Rabid Student Body President Candidate

Last Friday, election season took a dark turn when student body president candidate Brent Thompson was taken into custody by College Station Animal Control. Thompson was reportedly apprehended while aggressively bannering outside the Memorial Student Center.

Eyewitnesses say Thompson was spotted foaming at the mouth and barking at passersby after being ignored by a group of freshmen. 

“At first, we just thought he was committed to his platform,” geography freshman Rachel Morgan said. “But then he kept yelling ‘Believe in Brent’ and lunging at us.”

Thompson’s campaign team attempted to intervene with a spray bottle presumably full of water or some other liquid, but the situation quickly escalated after he began clawing and biting at rival campaign teams. 

“This has to be a violation of the election rules,” a member of an opposing campaign said. “Is not having a tetanus shot grounds for disqualification?”

College Station Animal Control arrived armed with a dog crate and horse tranquilizers but were met with fierce opposition. In a stunning display of loyalty, Thompson’s campaign team formed a protective circle around him and growled at the authorities. After an hour-long struggle and at least five tranquilizer shots to the neck and abdomen, Thompson was detained and held in custody at the Aggieland Humane Society.

Since Thompson was unable to comment due to his muzzle, his vice presidential pick, Sarah Cardona, issued a public statement. 

“Some may call it rabies, but we call it relentless leadership,” Cardona said. “Believe in Brent, and vote for Thompson-Cardona on Feb. 27!”

— Hello Dammit