A&M Bans Communist Book From Evans

Following a slew of emails from outraged parents, Texas A&M has removed all copies of “The Rainbow Fish” by Marcus Pfister from libraries in response to their claims that it contains communist propaganda.

The best-selling children’s book follows young comrade Rainbow Fish as he is forced to give away his rainbow scales even though they are his personal property. Despite this egregious violation of civil liberty, the other fish are satisfied to be united under one communist doctrine of equality. 

Parents claim the book is ripe with Soviet misinformation such as “sharing is caring,” “having empathy for your friends,” and “relationships are more important than material goods.” 

“I can’t believe the university would allow such blatant indoctrination of our innocent children,” Aggie mom Katie Weigman said. “I can’t have my child becoming a commie because of some book written by Karl Marx.”

While the ban has received widespread support from the student body, some faculty have spoken out about potential repercussions. 

“I had an entire unit dedicated to Rainbow Fish,” COMM 447 professor Annie Clarke said. “What am I supposed to read to them now, Dr. Seuss? That’s way too advanced for my students.”

“‘Rainbow Fish’ is a classic,” ENGL 160 professor David Hane said. “I assign an in-depth study every year, analyzing the literary choices Pfister uses to create his masterful character study.”

In response to these complaints, the university has agreed to make a new, safer version of the book. In this definitive edition, White Fish gives away his pure white scales based on the comparative profit that other fish can offer. The story ends with White Fish learning how to maximize profit by offshoring labor costs to the Pacific Ocean.  

The university has also promised to take a more proactive approach against propaganda. Books such as “Oh the Places You’ll Go” and “The Giving Tree” have already been flagged as possible dangers. 

— Mrs. Dabfire