Commuter Student Starts Hooking Up With Professors For Free Lodging

Commuting to campus is very time-consuming; only the bravest soldiers can endure those long drives and hours in Texas traffic. One man who commutes from Houston weekly has devised a foolproof plan to save time and money on gas and housing — seduction. 

Mechanical engineering senior Cole Kamden has reinvented the concept of couch surfing between leases. Between sleeping at his mom’s house during university breaks and taking advantage of the luxurious Aggie Spirit Bus, Kamden shares how he has gotten away with no rent and low gas costs for his last year of education. 

Kamden reportedly sets his Tinder, Grindr and Hinge age ranges from 35 to the maximum and sleeps his way to graduation. When asked if there was anybody who he excluded from said range, he simply stated, “Broke b*****s can’t discriminate.”

Kamden disclosed he has an extraordinarily high success rate. He says he originally found a 73-year-old psych professor on an undisclosed dating app; he reports that the professor has a very large and cozy home and was perfectly happy taking him in exchange for companionship.

When asked if he ever engaged in “the hanky-panky” with professors for any other benefits, such as assignment extensions or grade curves, Kamden stated, “Absolutely not. I abide by the Aggie Honor Code, I would never lie … or steal. Is sleeping with your professors considering cheating?  

— Rudder Ducky