My Mom Really Wants Me To Get A Job 

Last Sunday, my mom made an announcement concerning the future prospects of her “son’s professional life.” The announcement, made via iMessage to my personal cell phone number at 9:37 p.m., cites “laziness and video games” as primary concerns. 

“Don’t think you’re getting any more money out of me once you graduate,” my mom said. “I need to see some kind of plan from you.” 

Myself, who has previously gone on public record to claim a “chill ass vibe,” responded to the message at approximately 12:18 a.m. I was reportedly tipsy off a few sips of a Four-Loko.  

“i told u mom, i don’t need a real job,” I said. “i’m gonna make it big as an overwatch streamer and then youll see🙄😂💪🏻🖕🏻”

No response was made from my mom. At 2:41 p.m. today, my dad called me to “get my ass in line.” I am reportedly very scared of him, and have since marked all of my social media accounts as “desperate for a job,” connected with 18 profiles on LinkedIn and added the hashtag #opentowork to my profile picture, and put 20 paper copies of my resume in a manila folder. 

— The Intern