SGA Achieves World Peace With Moderately Worded Statement
Yesterday, the Student Government Association, or SGA, achieved world peace by issuing a moderately worded statement via Instagram. Within seconds of the post, centuries-long conflicts came to a swift halt.
The statement, released via a six slide Canva graphic on Instagram, called for “unity and dialogue” amidst tense global relations.
“The SGA advocates strongly — but not too strongly — for world peace,” Student Body President Cade Coppinger said. “We don’t want it to seem like we’re taking one person’s side.”
To promote “a voice for the people,” SGA released a survey to 5,000 members of the world’s population. To the surprise of many, results showed a statistically significant amount of people erring on the side of world peace.
“These results show us something we didn’t know before,” Vice President Cate Craddock said. “We even included a p-value and everything. Who would have thought people want world peace?”
After being convinced by the SGA’s STAT 201 knowledge, the world remains entirely peaceful. With the power of a blank slide and tens of reposts, real change can be made.
— Hello Dammit
An expert in Southern hospitality with a rage problem, Hello Dammit greets all with a smile… and a passive-aggressive comment about your parking job. They’ve held 14 student leadership positions, go to trivia every single night of the week, and have weaponized Canva and group chats alike. If you’ve ever been voluntold to work an event you don’t remember signing up for, it was them. Hello Dammit has big former-Yell-Leader energy and will quote the Aggie Honor Code during casual conversation. They’re not mad… just disappointed. Actually, scratch that. They’re mad and disappointed.