SGA Achieves World Peace With Moderately Worded Statement

Yesterday, the Student Government Association, or SGA, achieved world peace by issuing a moderately worded statement via Instagram. Within seconds of the post, centuries-long conflicts came to a swift halt. 

The statement, released via a six slide Canva graphic on Instagram, called for “unity and dialogue” amidst tense global relations. 

“The SGA advocates strongly — but not too strongly — for world peace,” Student Body President Cade Coppinger said. “We don’t want it to seem like we’re taking one person’s side.”

To promote “a voice for the people,” SGA released a survey to 5,000 members of the world’s population. To the surprise of many, results showed a statistically significant amount of people erring on the side of world peace. 

“These results show us something we didn’t know before,” Vice President Cate Craddock said. “We even included a p-value and everything. Who would have thought people want world peace?”

After being convinced by the SGA’s STAT 201 knowledge, the world remains entirely peaceful. With the power of a blank slide and tens of reposts, real change can be made.

— Hello Dammit