Trump Taps Coach Mike Elko For Secretary of Defense 

In a move that stunned both Washington and college football fans,  President-elect Donald Trump announced today that Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko will join his second-term cabinet. The position? Secretary of Defense.

“I’ve always said, defense is the most important thing,” Trump said in a press conference held at the 50-yard line of Kyle Field. “Not just in football, folks. In America. And I’ve been watching Coach Elko, believe me, nobody knows defense better than him. It’s true. You’ve seen his games — tough, incredible. And the Aggies? Unbelievable spirit.”

Trump described Elko’s selection as part of his broader vision to build a cabinet modeled after a college football program. 

“Mike knows how to rally a team, okay?” Trump said. “He’s been out there recruiting top talent, even flipping some big commitments. And frankly, I think he’ll do the same for America. Maybe we get some five-star generals, who knows?”

Clad in a maroon suit and holding a clipboard for no apparent reason, Elko addressed the press with his trademark stoicism.

“While I’m honored by this opportunity, I’m going to take it one day at a time and focus on executing the game plan,” Elko said. “We’re in the red zone, and we’ve got to punch it in. Uh, by which I mean national security.”

Elko’s transition from the sidelines to the Pentagon will reportedly come with a few changes. Sources close to the coach say he plans to introduce a new “4-2-5 defense” to America’s military strategy. 

“It’s flexible, adaptive and perfect for responding to threats both foreign and domestic,” Elko said, scribbling X’s and O’s onto a whiteboard that no one else in the room understood.

When asked how his experience coaching college athletes would translate to global geopolitics, Elko was confident. 

“It’s all about motivation and discipline,” Elko said. “If I can get an 18-year-old to focus on tackling drills after a three-hour chemistry lab, I can definitely get Congress to pass a defense budget. We’ve got the personnel to compete at the highest level. We’ll build a strong, disciplined team to defend this country, and we’re not going to let up until the clock hits zero. Or, you know, until Congress tells me to stop.”

The announcement was met with mixed reactions. Texas A&M fans erupted in jubilation, with some claiming it was part of a master plan to get their beloved team more national attention. 

“Finally, someone from the SEC is going to SECure America!” one enthusiastic Aggie supporter tweeted.

Critics — mainly Steve Sarkisian — questioned the appropriateness of appointing a football coach to lead the Department of Defense, but Trump was quick to shut down dissent. 

“What do these so-called experts know?” Trump said. “They’ve been losing for decades. Look at Afghanistan — terrible. But Elko? He knows how to blitz. He’s going to blitz ISIS, blitz inflation, maybe even blitz the polls for me. And the Aggies have a better win percentage than most of these politicians, let me tell you.”

Other political commentators expressed skepticism. 

“This is either genius or madness,” one analyst on cable news said. “Trump is either playing 4D chess or he’s just recruiting cabinet members based on ESPN highlights.”

At the Pentagon, military brass appeared to take the news in stride. 

“As long as he doesn’t make us run wind sprints, I think we’ll be fine,” an anonymous general said.

Only time will tell if Elko’s tenure as Secretary of Defense will be a championship run or an embarrassing fumble. But one thing is certain: America’s defense just got a lot more Aggie.

— Rev’s Rave Yard