Professors Go On Strike After Discovering Yell Leaders Are Getting A Raise

Several professors have gone on strike after a colleague in the economics department discovered that the Yell Leaders were slated to receive a massive raise.

Lewis Gronberg, the economics professor who unearthed this financial debacle, complained that his years of tireless service and tenure status at a Tier 1 research institution were not enough to secure him a high enough salary to pay off his debt from graduate school. 

“How is it fair that I’m slaving away at my desk, doing groundbreaking research, and these kids get to dress up in their funny white outfits and do weird dances at all of our sporting events for half a milly?” Gronberg said. “Where the hell is my $500,000 salary?!”

The professors also cited the emergence of official partnerships with the university’s athletic department that will allow Yell Leaders the chance to receive additional payments for their involvement at athletic events. These “N-I-Yell deals” would potentially double or even triple the amount of financial support given to Yell Leaders, presumably billed as a choreographer’s fee for teaching uncoordinated students the right way to bend over and scream really loudly.

The Yell Leaders were quick to defend themselves against the incensed faculty members. 

”I don’t know what this Gronberg guy is talking about,” one Yell Leader, who requested anonymity, said. “We don’t get a salary — we get scholarships.”

Rumors abound that the next crop of Yell Leaders will be pooling their leftover “scholarship” money and purchasing a multi-million dollar mansion off campus to live in when the Quad kicks everyone out over the summer.

— MSGlee