Student Who Carries Gallon Jug As Water Bottle Discovers Water Fountains
Last Tuesday, noted gym rat and construction sciences junior Ethan Mallison was spotted gawking at the water fountain in the center of the Memorial Student Center, sources say. His customary gallon jug of “Natural Texas Spring Water” was lying on the ground next to his feet.
“I always carry a gallon jug ‘cause I need to make it last the whole day,” Mallison said. “I always wondered how these other people survived on just eight ounces of water per day. I had no idea you could refill them with those magic machines.”
Mallison, wearing his signature black scrap of a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, said he was heading home after a session at the Rec Center when he noticed the water fountain.
“One after another these students were just — just filling up their tiny water bottles,” Mallison said. “I had no idea you could do that. Who told them they could do that?”
Mallison expressed excitement at the prospect of a new lifestyle.
“I’ve been buying a new jug every time I run out of water,” Mallison said. “You’re telling me I can just refill the ones I have? And that I can get something I can fit in my backpack instead of lugging around this giant plastic one all the time? This is game-changing.”
Sources say Mallison is saving up his “water money” to buy a new, smaller water bottle and deciding what to do with his muscles now that he can’t just flex them carrying the giant water jug around campus.
— Batt-atouille
The Battalion has a rat infestation, and one of these filthy rodents found its way onto our staff. We discovered him deep in the sewers under Sbisa after a long shift of hiding under the head chef’s hat. Now, he loves writing for us just as much as he loves pulling hair. When he’s not busy in the dining hall kitchen or writing articles for the other “publication” on campus, he cooks up articles for us. We’re happy to have him on our team, even though he leaves a copious amount of health code violations in his trail.