Student Goes Insane Walking To Class Without Headphones

Tragedy struck the Texas A&M campus earlier this week as junior Sociology major Blake Williamson lost his mind trying to walk to class in silence after leaving his headphones at home.

In the span of 15 minutes, the combination of heat, self-introspection and the soulless concrete architecture of campus was enough to unravel Williamson’s sanity.

“I just can’t believe it,” Travis Gonzalez, Williamson’s roommate, said. “He’s always so diligent about wearing his headphones. He always has some album or podcast to listen to. I can only imagine the psychological torture he was going through without them.”

Williamson was forced to walk from his apartment to the Blocker building, about three quarters of a mile. Dr. Gabe Porter, a leading expert on acute psychosis, weighs in on Williamson’s condition.

“I’ve never heard of someone going from seemingly normal brain function to complete insanity in such a short amount of time,” Dr. Porter said. “However, upon examining the circumstances — the ridiculous heat and the mind-numbing scenery of concrete and asphalt that is Texas A&M’s campus — I’m impressed Blake held out for as long as he did.”

Williamson has been moved to a secure location where he can no longer pose a threat to himself or others. Insider reports say he requires a constant stream of podcasts and Playboi Carti music, and that he begins chewing through the walls if he is left in silence for more than two minutes.

— Clone War Hymn