Bikes Win Legal Battle for Custody of the Sidewalk

In an early morning press release on Thursday, the Student Government Association Judicial Court announced the result for the controversial “Wheels v. Legs” case with a split 5-4 decision in favor of “bicycles, skateboards, and other non-bipedal forms of transportation.” With this landmark decision, bikes will now have full legal custody of sidewalks within Texas A&M’s main campus.

“Every year we receive more and more cases of ‘bicycular manharmer’ on campus,” said Chief Justice Ian Ferris. “Well, today we say no more! No one shall ever have to fear their shins being split by a rogue VeoRider again. Pedestrians will now be able to safely walk in the middle of the street.”

This new ruling will overturn the original precedent set in 1973 by “Toe v. Tire” in which it was decided that pedestrians and bicycles would “share joint custody of campus sidewalks like my divorced parents with me.” 

Justice Stacy Jackson offered the dissenting opinion on the case.

“America is supposed to be a melting pot,” Jackson said. “What is a better example of people with totally different ways of life working together than you calling an ambulance after flattening me with your front tire?”

Despite the conflicting opinions in the courtroom, the decision is widely popular with pedestrians and bikers across both sides of the sidewalk. According to a recent survey of people in a randomly selected  ENGR 102 class, 97% of pedestrians feel safer walking in the street than on the sidewalk.

“It’s so nice not having to constantly bob and weave around bikers,” amateur speedwalker Terry Daniels said. “And you don’t have to worry about cars because they can’t do anything. They legally cannot hit you.”

While most still approve of the court’s decision, there are some bikers who feel a sense of nostalgia for simpler times.

“Now, of course, I agree with the court … But there was something special about the possibility of ramming a half-asleep BIMS major on their way to an 8 a.m. lab on the third floor of Heldenfels that I’m going to miss,” finance junior Jessie Thompson said. 

Unfortunately, this ruling has failed to cover the edge case between vehicles and walkers: roller skates and rollerblades. As a result, there has been a massive uptick in rollerblade-related incarcerations because campus police are simply unsure how to handle the ambiguity of the law. The SGA Judicial court has pledged to address this issue in an upcoming case dubbed “Rollers v. Strollers.”

— BTHO Rabies