Egregious A&M Budgetary Error Gives More Money To Academics Than Football
According to an announcement from Texas A&M released on Tuesday, due to a terrible clerical error the university will be using 90% of its yearly funds to support academics, leaving only 10% for our Fightin’ Texas Aggie Football Team.
Students are appalled at this negligence, with some, like finance senior Buck Rollins, even threatening to drop out.
“Why even go here if we don’t have a good football team?” Rollins asked. “What am I supposed to do now, go to class?”
Texas A&M Athletics has been quick to respond, promising to fight for a significant increase in funding for the football team next year as penance.
Even so, the budgetary error suggests bad news for the university. Already, the incoming class has nearly halved in size and CollegeVine claims, “Unless you actually want to learn something, there is no point in attending Texas A&M University”.
Some tenured professors claim the switch could have its benefits — purchasing new textbooks and revitalizing our infrastructure have been cited — but most students and faculty understand that there are more important things than books and electrical wiring.
— Mrs. Dabfire
Mrs. Dabfire is a woman of many talents: certified fish camp mom, unofficial MSC greeter, and full-time vape cloud. A theater major turned amateur intramural pickleball referee, Dabfire made a name for herself when she substituted for her younger cousin at New Student Conference and somehow left with three Breakaway T-shirts, a minor in Agricultural Leadership, and a job offer at Layne’s Chicken Fingers. Known for her emotional range (from giggling to sobbing during the Aggie War Hymn), she’s never seen without a pearl necklace, platform Crocs, and a Juul named “Ol’ Sarge.” She’s not your mom – she’s everybody’s mom. Just don’t ask what’s in her Owala.