Your Freshman Roommate Is Trying To Grow A Mustache
This semester has seen rise to a new trend on college campuses: young men trying to grow mustaches. Surveys found that freshmen boys, including your roommate, are desperate to impress the world with their manhood — by growing out their facial hair at any cost. This au courant style is timeless, chic and — recently — very trendy,
but it doesn’t fare so well for everyone.
Your other roommate, freshman Miles Terris, reports apprehension at the trend.
“ He was a random select,” Terris said. “Each morning since the start of the semester he’s been rubbing beard oil on his upper lip. I don’t know how to tell him it’s not working.”
Terris’ roommate isn’t the only one. A reported three in five freshman males between the ages of 17 and 19 are currently attempting to grow facial hair. Questionnaire data suggests the cause of this trend is reportedly to “hit it off with the ladies.”
“I’ll admit, I suggested the idea to a few of my freshmen,” Fish Camp counselor Kaitlyn Jefferson said. “They wanted to impress the girls. Mustaches are so in — everyone knows that.”
Campus reaction is mixed. Upperclassmen are usually reluctant to accept the new class, but polarization between age groups has become tense, if not antagonistic. As classes cycle through the university, freshman assimilation is typically expected by semester’s end. It remains to be seen if that will be the case this year.
“I thought I was seeing more squirrels on my way to class,” senior statistics major James Freedman said. “But it’s much worse. These nuts need a reality check.”
Spots where mustache-sightings have been higher in concentration are The Commons, FLO banners and Hurricane Harry’s.
Next month, Mays Business School will be conducting a survey to graph the proportion of single freshmen to freshmen with girlfriends, and if facial hair has any significant correlation.
— Call Me By My Fish’s Name
With his Oakley sunglasses and a lawn chair perpetually camped out on the banks of the Aggie Park pond, Call me by my Fish’s Name is often asked for help by many novice fishermen. It’s a service he’s happy to provide — a true model fisherman. One time though, we caught him trying to sneak a bass out of the park, a clear violation of the catch and release policy. We didn’t report him to the game warden, but we did come to an understanding that day. Call me by my Fish’s Name stopped by our office a few days after this incident, and has been writing for us ever since.