Freshman President’s Endowed Scholar Surprised No One Knows Who He Is

As the first weeks of school came to a close, a lone freshman President’s Endowed Scholar, Malachi Grossman, was spotted wandering campus grounds, looking decidedly forlorn after having not been recognized or celebrated for his esteemed status during his classes.

Grossman, a freshman general engineering major who received a President’s Endowed Scholarship after completing an above-average Eagle Scout project and hiring a private tutor for his PSAT, is confused about the lack of fanfare.

“This doesn’t make any sense. I kept hearing during my orientation that I would be an incredible student and get to coast off my PSAT score for four years. Now you’re telling me I have to put in work to get recognized?”

Grossman’s antics have begun to extend into lecture halls across campus. Several of his classmates have submitted reports of Grossman asking excessive questions, chastising other students for using a Macbook to code and even staying after a gen-ed lecture on the first day to introduce himself to the professor.

“We’ve only had one week of lectures, and even I’m starting to get annoyed,” Dr. Blaine Fitzgerald, a professor in the engineering department, said. “He tried critiquing the wording of an extra credit assignment. I miss being able to send students to detention.”

The Mugdown reached out to representatives from the Texas A&M Foundation, but they declined to comment as their inboxes are being flooded by “uppity juniors’ Aggie Ring orders.” 

At the time of writing, Grossman was seen at MSC Open House having picked up flyers from the Maroon Coats and the Student Engineers’ Council in the hopes of joining an organization to feed his festering superiority complex.

–Mugdown Staff