Traditional Family Values Group Petitions Texas A&M to Have Pull-In Day

As sophomores eagerly await the festivities of Pull Out Day, protests have erupted across campus vehemently condemning the event because college students “celebrating the act of ‘pulling out’ will lead to Texas A&M’s downfall.”

“I was always worried that college would change my daughter,” June Garner, mother to current sophomore Jake Garner, said to Pull Out Day organizers in the MSC. “To hear about my precious baby celebrating the act of pulling out? I am lost for words!”

Garner managed to find her words as she launched into a seven-minute tirade at the Pull Out Day Panel. Garner quoted Genesis 38:8 when panel members attempted to clarify the confusion.

“I’m pretty surprised that parents think we would celebrate having sex on Pull Out Day,” Stephen Daughers a sophomore business major, said. “I mean, come on. Everyone knows we celebrate that at Chili Fest.”

Garner and other protestors from her group called Sex That’s Only for Reproducing Kids, or S.T.O.R.K. for short, are petitioning to have a day they are coining “Pull In Day” to influence college students to “be fruitful and multiply… within the sanctity of marriage”.

“Mark my words, sophomores, pulling out will be the worst thing you ever do!” said Garner as she waved her fist in condemnation.

Pull Out Day organizers are responding with marketing to clarify the type of ‘pulling out’ they refer to, mostly by their media team making light of the misunderstanding with a Facebook post involving Minions.

— Lock-T