Gladiator Dash “Mud” Run Linked to Pink Eye Outbreak

A recent outbreak of pink eye among participants of last Sunday’s Gladiator Dash, a 5-kilometer mud run, has sparked an investigation into the quality and makeup of the man-made “mud” used in the event.

The epidemic was first noticed when hoards of students overwhelmed the Beutel clinic staff with symptoms of pink eye, sore legs, and a newfound love for mud. Kenzie Kaleigh, a student worker at the clinic, provided early insight into the source of the pink eye infection when she noticed that every patient was wearing the same Gladiator Dash shirt that she was.

“At first, I was wondering why everyone was wearing the same thing as me, and was honestly a little embarrassed,” Kaleigh said. “Then it all clicked when I thought, wait a minute, my eyes burn too. The shirts must give you pink eye!”.

While it was almost immediately determined that the shirts were perfectly safe and poor water quality at Lake Bryan likely caused the epidemic, Kaleigh’s initial idea helped doctors identify the origin of the problem. Some students, however, aren’t convinced that Lake Bryan is to blame.

“If you ask me, I’m not fully convinced that the mud was just mud, if you catch my meaning,” a participant, wishing to stay anonymous, said. “I can’t prove anything, but let’s just say I saw a number of the members running the mud pits going to the porta-potties a little too regularly.”

Local authorities have obtained a sample of the mud used at the event and are currently analyzing it.

A One Army representative, when asked to comment, stated that there is “no known correlation” between the “One Army Mud” (patent pending) and pink eye. The representative then asked to borrow some eye drops.

— Yap Leader