Fish Aides Indicted for Student Body President Election Fraud

On March 4th, 15 freshman Fish Aides and two sophomore co-chairs were indicted by the Texas A&M Judicial Court in response to evidence of election fraud by the Freshman Leadership Organization.

The nine justices, functioning as the sole arbiters for the case, concluded there was significant evidence of election interference in this year’s presidential race conducted by these so-called “leaders of excellence.”

“The Fish Aides have been meddling in elections and strategically favoring their members in selection processes all across the university for years,” Robert Johns, the Chief Justice of the Judicial Court, said. “Sooner or later, the hammer of justice catches up to us all — and today, it caught up to the FAIDES.”

While walking out of the Koldus 144 courtroom to a waiting Jeep Wrangler on the curb, Fish Aides director Sawyer Matthews was overheard loudly complaining to his attorney about the process.

“Everyone should be out celebrating the election of SGA’s savior as SBP, instead of wasting time in this kangaroo court,” Matthews said. “Do you realize how many intentional conversations I’ve already had to sacrifice to prepare these freshmen for this trial?”

While some of the indicted Fish Aides have claimed they were coerced into tampering and interfering with the election, Lily Reagan, a freshman Fish Aide, fully owned up to her actions.

“I was told in no uncertain terms that I’d be guaranteed a position on the executive cabinet, maybe even top staff, if I ensured that Cade won this election,” Reagan said. “That was the only incentive I needed to start intimidating voters, spreading misinformation, and manipulating the voting website.”

While many Fish Aides dream of one day having their name on the ballot and plastered on banners all across campus, these 17 fish aides are focused on a more pressing reality: staying out of jail.

— Batt for Both Teams