Students Bannering Now Allowed to Touch and Grab You
Following a regulations meeting Monday morning, new procedures allow students holding banners for their organizations to touch and grab you to get your attention.
The new rules for bannering organizations now authorize “touching, feeling, grabbing, and light caressing when bannering for student organizations for the express purpose of spreading the organizational message.”
Patrick Rodriguez, a frequent banner representative for several causes and organizations, has extensive first-hand knowledge of the extreme difficulty that comes with bannering.
“People have their headphones in, and others just completely ignore us altogether,” Rodriguez said. “It is just disrespectful. We needed something to level the playing field, and this is it.”
Bannering students will be required to take a 30-minute seminar on polite touching, which will include information on where the most attention-grabbing spots are, as well as tips to quickly defuse suddenly tense situations.
Student representatives have now begun to prioritize legislation allowing those bannering to pull out wired headphones and take phones out of backpacks.
— Middle Class Missionary
Middle Class was always the disappointment of the family. He was born to the family of Swedish death metalheads that founded Hot Topic, but never took an interest in music, the supernatural, or anything alternative. That all changed when one day he picked up a little book written by a fella named Jesus Christ. Soon he would be traveling around the world, spreading the good word at sold out stadiums. Along the way, he picked up more than an acoustic guitar and an affinity for ham-boning. He made a lot of money too! After achieving peak global success, he realized his true purpose in life: to build an ever bigger Protestant church down the street from St. Mary’s.