Christian Campus Preacher Dissolves to Dust After Learning That He, Too, Uses Pronouns

On January 31st, Christian preacher John Dowry dissolved into a pile of ash at Academic Plaza after being told that everybody, including him, uses pronouns. This came at the end of a public sermon in which Dowry denounced what he called “transgender ideology.”

“All of these transgender folks are telling us that we need to start using pronouns. Well, I’m sick of it!” Dowry said. “Nobody who has accepted the truth and the word of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, would ever use pronouns; that has to be a sin.”

After an attending student, Zayn Ali, informed him that he had used fifteen pronouns in the last minute alone, Dowry stumbled over his words for ten seconds before devolving into incoherent screaming. Then, he dissolved into a pile of ash which was soon swept away by the wind.

“How was I supposed to know he didn’t know ‘it’ was a pronoun?” Ali said. “Or ‘that’? Or ‘I’? Don’t people learn this in middle school? Am I going to jail for this? Should I even be talking to you?”

Dowry is survived by his wife Mary Dowry and his eight children.

“This has been difficult for all of us,” Mary Dowry said. “But at least we can go on knowing that John is closer to God now, doing what he always wanted—wait a minute, did I just refer to him with a pronoun? Oh God—”

— Boot Macer