Even In Dreams, Student Unable to Escape Being Hit by Bikes

Kyle Yarberry, an easily frightened freshman, has stumbled upon an unforeseen obstacle of his freshman year: the inescapable fear of being hit by a bike while walking on campus. Every night, it is all he can think about before falling asleep, and what should be a sweet release is actually just more hellish dreams of bikers recklessly blowing through stop signs into pedestrians.

Known for walking around campus with his head on a swivel, his eyes peeled, and his fly down, Yarberry has been struck by bicyclists on five separate occasions. If these events continue at the same rate, Yarberry will have been struck 42 times by the time he graduates.

“My dreams consist of dodging irresponsible bikers until I eventually tire and one hits me. Then I wake up and realize it was just a dream which would be a relief if I wasn’t going to be reliving the nightmare the rest of the day on my way to classes,” Yarberry said. “I’ve joined the Aggie Fear of Campus Bikes (AFCB) support group, but I haven’t seen any improvement for my condition.”

Despite being told to say no to drugs, Kyle is now taking prescribed anxiety medication to ease his tremors and is seeking reimbursement from the university to compensate for his traumas.

— Bizzle Blazer