Evil Barnes & Noble to Offer New “Dark and Twisted” Experience of Reading

A brand new Evil Barnes & Noble bookstore is set to open this fall on campus according to the new franchisee, Colby Hayes. The store will be “cutting back on merch” sales, instead focusing solely on books. Located underneath the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in the Memorial Student Center (MSC), the store will be accessed through a crack in the foundation of the MSC.

“This new Barnes & Noble isn’t your average, everyday bookstore,” Hayes said. “It’s like, super dark and twisted. None of our Starbucks baristas will have dyed hair or septum piercings, and we only open after 9 pm.”

Over time, the university bookstore has continually decreased its selection of available books. Physical textbooks are relegated to the back corner of the basement, and most are only sold in an online, digital format. In a consumerist world increasingly encroached upon by Jeffrey Bezos, this “indie” conglomerate seeks to bring peace of mind to book enthusiasts and aspiring scholars alike.

“What I really wanted was to give students a chance to buy textbooks, novels, and all kinds of physical media,” Hayes said. “Instead of shoving the university’s Champion and Adidas partnerships down their throats.”

Evil Barnes and Noble has not come without controversy. Many concerned former students have stated that “a Division 1 school is not a place for reading” and that they “sent [their] kids to college to learn what consumerism is all about.” Grade point averages and test scores of future semesters will reveal whether or not this is a worthy change.

—Call Me By My Fish’s Name