Finals Week CAPS Appointment Portal Replicates Concert Ticketmaster Scandals
As finals week comes to a close and stress levels are at all-time highs, Counseling and Psychological Services, or CAPS, has seen record numbers of patients struggling with their mental health but finding it difficult to schedule a time through their CAPS appointment portal.
“I knew this finals season was going to be rough, but when I couldn’t get an appointment with my usual CAPS therapist, I decided it’s best to just transfer to another university than try to be an engineering major at this damn school,” freshman Howard Green said.
As part of their investigation into the issue, University officials have communicated with Taylor Swift’s administrative team about how they handled similar scheduling demands.
“Why don’t you guys just put out a recorded session with a therapist out in theaters because it does exactly the same thing and feels the same as if you were really there?” Swift’s representative said. “That’s what we did!”
— Lavender Hazed
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.