Texas A&M Parts Ways With Geology Department to Pay Jimbo Fisher’s Buyout

Texas A&M has announced an immediate shuttering of its 100-year-old geology department citing having to pay 20% of former football head coach Jimbo Fisher’s outstanding salary within 60 days as the primary reason for the closure.

A check amounting to $19.3 million is the first of many regular payments the university owes. The next one, for $7.2 million, is due only two months later, totaling $26.6 million due by mid-March.  With such a record-setting bill, the university was forced to make some hard choices.

“We certainly never expected this kind of situation to arise, but repeated disappointments forced us to make the tough decision to let Jimbo go with geology unfortunately paying the price,” Texas A&M treasurer Rudolph Rollins said. “We opened our hearts and allowed ourselves to hope again, but, like T-Swift said, ‘I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.'”

Rollins then pulled tight the drawstrings on his oversized hoodie and refused to talk any further.

As of Monday morning, power and heating were cut off to the Halbouty Geosciences building. Crestfallen graduate students were seen carrying assorted agates and crystals from their offices as they cleared out of the building.

Former geology undergraduates were seen rushing to secure spots in what they determined were more secure majors, such as VHS repair and journalism.

— Graddlesnake