Student Government Replaced With Cardboard Cutouts and Nobody Noticed

Last Tuesday, it was discovered that every member of the Student Government Association had replaced themselves with cardboard cutouts when a random student accidentally stumbled into an alleged student senate meeting. At the moment, no one is sure exactly how long ago this deception began.

“I was looking for a bathroom, and not really paying attention to where I was going cause I really needed to pee,” Anthoni Rove, the student, said.  “Suddenly, I ended up in this eerie room filled with cardboard cutouts of idealist suckups.When I realized it was a student senate meeting, I of course peed my pants immediately and then went to alert the press.”

Despite the recency of this revelation, the paper thin ethics of the student government could have been perpetuating this cardboard conspiracy for months, years, or even since the last time Texas A&M had a good football team. The cutout of Hudson Kraus, the unjustly impeached former student body president, was still present at the scene, so the elaborate ruse does not seem to have been updated since at least late September. However, this is the only concrete hint of the timeline in a sea of conflicting reports and hearsay.

Academic Affairs Chair Harold Armando, the current longest serving member of the student senate, claims the corrugated replacements have been around since before he joined student government freshman year. Though, he believes this is a non-issue being blown way out of proportion by the mainstream media.

“Now when I was first elected, only about 10% of senators were doing it. But, we noticed that our approval rating was directly correlated with the cardboard cutout to human ratio at our meetings,” Armando said. “The cardboard senate gets the same amount done and has a 100% approval rating. What’s the problem?”

Other senators, like sophomore Community Relations Chair Grant Siddleton, assert the scheme is a more recent invention. Siddleton alleges to be the last member of the student government to replace himself with a cutout.

“The idea was dreamed up late August. Everybody else started bringing in their stand-ins mid-September,” Siddleton said. “Yeah, those last few meetings in October were pretty annoying. Just sitting there. Talking to a bunch of cardboard boxes.”

The public outcry on the issue has been as non-existent as the student government. Most students seem to not even know what the Student Government Association is. Those that did appear to have already thought in a metaphorical sense that it was run more or less by cardboard cutouts.

“If I had to sit through the uneventful monotony of student government meetings, I’d probably replace myself with a cardboard cutout or a pet rock or whatever too,” Quincy Edwards, a random student pulled off the street, said.

The Speaker of the Senate, Sammi Lively, held an emergency press conference on Thursday to address what many are calling “Corru-Gate”. However, when press arrived, there was only a cardboard cutout of Lively at the podium.

— BTHO Rabies