4 Ways to Convince Your Roommate Not to Have Sex in the Dorm Room While You’re There

Has your roommate ever brought home a guy, then asked if they could sleep over because it’s “so late” and he “lives on the other side of campus”? Did you then, in your ignorant state, agree to this sleeping arrangement to then later wake up to the sound of complete and utter betrayal?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, you are not alone. We have compiled the four best ways to ensure that your roommate never does this again.

1. “Hey girl…”

Nothing starts a serious conversation like “hey girl.” With this opener, every alarm bell will ring in your roommate’s head, and they’ll know to be super defensive about whatever you say next.

2. “Do you want me to die? Be honest.”

Unless they say yes, this is a surefire way to get anybody to reevaluate their actions as well as a fantastic blow to the mental health of anyone you ask. They will never dare upset you again (unless they say yes).

3. Invite them to go to Breakaway with you

What you cannot do, Jesus can. Praise.

4. Break down in incoherent sobbing the next time it happens

Might as well at this point.

— Boot Macer