4 Ways to Convince Your Roommate Not to Have Sex in the Dorm Room While You’re There
Has your roommate ever brought home a guy, then asked if they could sleep over because it’s “so late” and he “lives on the other side of campus”? Did you then, in your ignorant state, agree to this sleeping arrangement to then later wake up to the sound of complete and utter betrayal?
If the answer to the above questions is yes, you are not alone. We have compiled the four best ways to ensure that your roommate never does this again.
1. “Hey girl…”
Nothing starts a serious conversation like “hey girl.” With this opener, every alarm bell will ring in your roommate’s head, and they’ll know to be super defensive about whatever you say next.
2. “Do you want me to die? Be honest.”
Unless they say yes, this is a surefire way to get anybody to reevaluate their actions as well as a fantastic blow to the mental health of anyone you ask. They will never dare upset you again (unless they say yes).
3. Invite them to go to Breakaway with you
What you cannot do, Jesus can. Praise.
4. Break down in incoherent sobbing the next time it happens
Might as well at this point.
— Boot Macer
For any cadets that may be reading this, you surely are already wary of typical boot chasers that prey on you for first deck tickets. Boot Macer, however, is a much more significant threat. She hides in the bushes, waiting for a zip lost in thought before she strikes, blinding them with her pepper spray and taking their boots. Nobody knows what she looks like since she strikes so fast, nor why she feels it’s necessary to rebel against the Corps in this way. Boot Macer’s hobby has been great for us, however, as we’ve enjoyed having access to a closet full of boots of many different sizes. We try to not ask too many questions, lest we become Boot Macer’s next target.