Four Out of Five Roommates Recommend the Fifth Wash His Dishes

Amid ongoing tensions between roommates of 1711 Harvey Mitchell Parkway South Unit 3-301, the vast majority of residents (80.3%) are in support of doing the dishes in a timely manner, according to a recent poll.

“Many families, like mine, raise their kids to be hard workers and dishwasher runners,” Richard White, a roommate, said. “Some parents tend to prioritize other things, like drugs and sex work. I paid for college all by myself with my trust fund and Johnny’s got no dad. Makes sense that he’d never pull his weight around here.”

White also cites other issues cropping up, such as poor smell, bacterial infection, and reputational risks.

“I had this girl over to watch a movie and she was totally turned off from all the dishes in the sink,” White said. “She said we weren’t gonna work out cause of my ‘commitment issues’, but I know that was just a white lie.”

Benefits to doing the dishes in an efficient manner include overall personal satisfaction, clean living spaces and available dishes, and along with increased camaraderie among roommates. It’s recommended that dishes should be done on time whenever possible so that we have enough plates to eat off of.

“I ate off a frisbee two nights ago,” Nate Thompson, another roommate, said. “After that I stuck it in the dishwasher and it still hasn’t been run. Now we don’t have anything to play frisbee with.”

When asked, Johnny Garcia, the “problem” roommate, said: “Rich scrambles eggs and then leaves the pan on the stove. I’m not scraping his crusty egg whites off the side just because he says it’s my week to do it.”

The household will be conducting a house meeting this weekend to address the problem. The lease for next semester is being drafted soon and changes may need to occur.

— Call Me By My Fish’s Name