President Welsh to Declare Marshall Howdy

Texas A&M President Mark A. Welsh III has declared Marshall Howdy: a presidential power that requires all Aggies to greet every single person they meet with a “Howdy” on campus.

After a hard-fought battle between Old and New Army, Welsh decided to take matters into his own hands to end the “Lack of Howdy” pandemic.

“This strain is worse than the last,” Welsh said. “We have to stay vigilant.”

After only managing to draw 100 students to his State of the University address, Welsh said more needed to be done to live up to being the “Happiest Campus” in the United States.

“These New Army students always have their earbuds in,” Welsh said. “They should say ‘Howdy’ to every single one of the 70,000 other students walking from their $500 parking spot to their classes that are on the complete opposite side of our 5,200-acre campus.”

When asked for a comment, an Old Army spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous said that they hope New Army can accept that things were better in the “Old Army Days” when a large portion of our 70,000 students could not even enroll.

Experts predict that New Army will have to succumb to Old Army’s terms to get millions of dollars in donations to pay for the urgent construction of a fifth football training facility.

— Write ’Em Cowboy