Frat Loses Fight Over Bottle Caps Against a Frat With Women

After wasting its freshman members’ entire weekend on arts and crafts for the sake of football, Texas A&M University’s oldest fraternity – the Corps of Cadets – has emerged victorious in a brutal conflict against other fraternities to retain control of their spray painted, bottle cap spurs thanks to a secret weapon that these opposing fraternities have yet to develop: women.

With the first fight breaking out this past Wednesday, all-male fraternities are facing devastating losses as their pledges get pushed to the ground for disrespecting future U.S. Army soldiers. Meanwhile, the integrated fraternity only grows stronger as cadets get their first taste of combat.

One such hero, Riley Bentley, a freshman cadet from the all male unit, Company K-2, faced an ambush early Thursday morning and won by holding his opponent in a chokehold.

“I’d say it’s thanks to the presence of our wags,” Bentley said. “Just knowing that some Marine wag might see me on @qadets makes me ready to [REDACTED] any pledge that comes near me. It must have been a lot harder for cadets before women joined. Whenever that was. My upperclassmen told me to skip that campo.”

As the war rages on, bystanders are left to ask the age-old question: “Why is the Corps allowed to haze?” The fish spur tradition has been deemed an act of hazing for years by those outside the Corps, but members of Commandant Staff have defended it arguing that as a Senior Military College, the Corps must provide its members with military training.

“Learning to put up with bullshit from your superiors is a necessity if one wants to make it as a soldier,” one staffer said. “Besides, if you want to haze you can always transfer in. We have to hit 3,000 somehow. Why do you think we let women join in the first place?”

— Pisshead Pacifist