Student Body President Gives Cabinet Position to Future Son

Student Body President Mason Straus has nominated his future son for the cabinet position of Royal Vice President for Continuity. His confirmation hearing will take place at the next Senate meeting.

Senators are reacting strongly to the announcement. “I thought the will of the students and representation were supposed to matter,” Senator Alicia Mendel said. “But that was before Supreme Leader Straus showed me the way.”

Other members of the cabinet are defending the decision. “I’m a big supporter of the good ol’ boys club,” Vice President Davy Jones said. “Monarchy is the best form of government.”

A copy of the job description for “Royal Vice President for Continuity” was anonymously leaked during a Senate meeting earlier this week.

“It is a critical part of my vision to elevate youth voices, and that includes those not yet conceived,” Straus said in response to the leak.

The Rudder Association commended the move, citing the need to create leadership pathways for the “oppressed population” of “conservative white fraternity members.” All 3000 fraternity members have been instructed to show up to the next Senate meeting in support.

— Mugdown Staff