Two-Percenter Christian Leaves Breakaway Early

Last Tuesday at 10:15 p.m. outside Reed Arena, Stephen Paulson, mechanical engineering sophomore and alleged Christ follower, was seen exiting Breakaway during the first note of the final worship song.

While the smiling faces of the Breakaway volunteers suggested to Paulson that leaving early was no big deal, “Jesus knew their thoughts” were questioning the state of Paulson’s soul (Matthew 12:25).

“I’ve really had to ask God for patience recently because of these two-percenter Christians sneaking out of Breakaway to avoid a little traffic,” Katey Stumner, a junior Breakaway volunteer, said. “Like,I get that in Christ there’s no way we can lose, but you could at least stay and support the team until the end. I’ll just keep praying that those 15 minutes saved in their commute won’t cost them an eternity in Hell.”

Despite the threat of eternal damnation, the number of premature exoduses from Breakaway has (excluding data from the COVID-19 lockdowns) only been on the rise for the last decade. Defenders of this practice argue that a Bible study with over 5,000 people is perhaps a bit too large for the already underdeveloped infrastructure of Texas A&M to handle. Those opposed often point out that “Jesus had no issue handling 5,000 people with limited resources.”

“To be honest, I’m not a fan of the last song they started to play, Reckless Love, and was feeling tired from my classes,” Paulson said. “I didn’t realize it was gonna be a whole thing.”

Though blowing off the end of Breakaway is on the rise, according to the Breakaway board of directors, it has been an issue since Breakaway was five dudes in a garage and Mike Preem was “always leaving halfway through to take care of his dying mother or something.”

The board’s current plan to address the problem is to double the length of Breakaway, so that even if students are only staying half the time, they still get a “full dose of Jesus.”

— BTHO Rabies