Beutel to Start Diagnosing Early-onset Senioritis

In a press release issued Monday at 9:30 a.m., University Health Services said that the Beutel Health Center will now give diagnoses for early-onset senioritis.

Once thought to be confined to those in their final semesters, medical students at Texas A&M recently discovered this disease can affect those as young as sophomores. Common symptoms are reduced motivation, lower quality of work, and in extreme cases total academic organ failure.

“The treatment varies based on progression,” Dr. Joe Hopkins, Beutel’s lead researcher said. “Sometimes we use the specters of academic validation or parental disappointment to induce normal productive activity. Other times, it’s just caffeine pills.”

Students are excited about the potential implications of this research.

“It’s so validating to know that skipping class and sleeping through my final wasn’t laziness,” said junior Aliana Bartlett. “It’s early-onset senioritis and can get me an excused absence.”

According to attendance records, since the release of this research, not a single student at Texas A&M has shown up to class on time.

— MSC++