Top 5 Epic VeoRide Brain Injuries
1. Air Force Airtime Airlift
Say what you want about the Corps, but these fellas will put their bodies on the line for their squadrons at a moment’s notice. Running late for his cadet league intramural game, sophomore Carter Lewis had no choice but to absolutely bomb the tunnel hill going to the main rec. It was rad! Dude got launched like 10 feet. AND he got to ride in the helicopter. Count me as jealous! Hope he enjoyed his flight time that day because the military isn’t letting him anywhere near plane controls after what his cerebellum looks like now.
2. 4th and 2 Years ‘Till He Wakes Up
Your lab partner really bailed you out with this colossal hit. No shot you were getting an extension on the report if he didn’t take that curb straight to the head. “Targeting hit on the sidewalk. Automatic ejection.” Ultimate team player right there. Make sure you go visit him in the hospital. They say people in comas can still hear!
3. Northgate Deepfake
Econ major Harrison Chung can no longer recognize faces after he crashed his electric Veo leaving Good Bull. Facial deepfake artificial intelligence is going to have a hard time manipulating him!
4. The Good Ole Fashion Stopsign Guillotine
History major Lexi Esparza technically wasn’t executed for being a French revolutionary, but she probably wishes to be dead with how much the Ross and Spence intersection mashed up her skull. Ouch! Someone should have looked both ways.
5. Reverse Upside-Down Quadruple Backflip Piledriver Torque Wrench 3D-Printer Bazooka Kick to the Noggin
Junior business major Bilal Malik made history as the first person to ever survive this tumble sequence last week when he collided with a pedestrian on the sidewalk. And get this, since he lost his ability to speak, he can’t accidentally incriminate himself for driving into another student while high. Now, I’m no lawyer, but after watching Better Call Saul, I’m ready to call this a double win!
— MSC ALITTLE
You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.