Student Government Grinds to Halt as No One Can Tell New Cabinet Apart

During a student government meeting on Wednesday, Student Body President-Elect Michael Dawson caused confusion by asking senators to confirm identical-looking students for various cabinet positions. The confirmation stalled as senators repeatedly mixed up the 19 individuals due to their eerily similar appearances.

The chaos was not limited to the voting members, as confirmees struggled to identify counterparts also vying for the prestigious spots of power. “What’s your name again? I’m so sorry, you just look so familiar,” Jackson Cuda, the newly-confirmed vice president of operations, said 20 times throughout the evening.

Incoming Diversity Commissioner Angie Ross, selected by Dawson to bring in “the brunette perspective”, ended the confusion by grabbing name tags for the other candidates. “I have to admit, being the only brunette cabinet member was tough at first, but Michael convinced me that my diversity would bring value,” Ross said. “However, I’ve still been thinking about getting highlights. There’s just so many career advantages to going blonde and getting blue color contacts.”

Although Ross does not have typical cabinet credentials, such as Christian summer camp involvement or Greek life participation, she is confident in her ability to succeed in student government. “Not having to restate my name is going to save a lot of time in this position.”

—Lavender Hazed