Bad Coffee Shop Wi-Fi Pushes Small Business Activist To Her Limit

Following an attempt to watch a recorded video at Sweet & Petite Local Coffee, junior political science major and small business activist Jenna Chen betrayed her morals by packing up her belongings and driving to Starbucks last Wednesday. Chen’s promotion of corporate greed came as she attempted to catch up on two weeks of class videos she missed while attending various protests and rallies.

“I’m devastated to learn that I’ve been fighting on the wrong side for years,” Chen said in a Tweet that uploaded instantaneously thanks to Starbucks’s internet speed. “The truth is our society needs corporations and every individual is better off conforming to norms they have developed for us. We owe everything to corporations, and we should be thankful that they operate with the working class’s best interests in mind.”

After catching up on her classes, Chen spent the rest of the day dwelling on the time and money she wasted by living out her morals. In addition to spending hours downloading JPEGs that would have loaded in seconds at Starbucks, Chen cursed herself for decisions like driving five miles out of the way for her local credit union instead of using the Wells Fargo ATM near her apartment.

Although Chen’s friends initially believed she would be back using her mobile hotspot at Sweet & Petite by Saturday, eyewitness testimony from Starbucks’ patrons on Sunday suggests she may have a new regular study spot. “They have so many cute little mugs and water bottles that I can’t wait to buy,” Chen said. “I just had my first cake pop, and I’m going to start an Instagram account reviewing all of their seasonal beverages.”

 

— MSC ALITTLE & Grad-ttlesnake