Scumbag Ring Recipient Excited by Abundant Opportunity to Sully Good Name of Texas A&M

This morning, serial womanizer, borderline alcoholic, and junior management major Alex Sill expressed excitement to receive his ring and begin a lifetime of reflecting poorly on Aggies everywhere.

“This university is the greatest in the world,” Sill said. “No other class ring symbolizes pride and opportunity like this one. Insider trading, dogfighting rings, sex scandals. Every time my name comes up in the news, they’ll say ‘That’s an Aggie.’”

When questioned about how Texas A&M University plans to mitigate the reputation risk of Aggies like Sill, the Division of Marketing & Communications pointed to its abundant experience of turning objectively bad people into reputable endowment-level donors. “If you don’t look too closely, you can actually rebrand a lot of morally dubious actions as successful business ventures,” spokesperson Anabelle Hill ‘05 said. “And if the person turns out to be a maniac, we can just say we cultivate ‘diversity of thought’ among our students.”

Despite having just received his ring, Sill has already made a name for himself in Aggieland as a person no one wants to be around. His reported behaviors include starting several drunken screaming matches over first-deck seating at football games, doing donuts in Lot 100, and ending every dollar beer night by projectile vomiting down the hallways of his Northgate apartment building.

Sill plans to dunk tonight as he prepares to enter the world as a full-time menace, ruining Texas A&M’s reputation wherever he finds himself.  His ring dunk invitation read, “Let’s get juiced up and smash some stuff! Gig ‘em and God bless!”

 

—MSC ALITTLE & Walton,Texas Ranger